The French should pay Britain reparations for the Norman conquest

Macron needs to get his wallet out for what his country did to us nearly 1,000 years ago

Daily Telegraph 11/09/26

Have you seen the Bayeux Tapestry? Maybe you are one of the thousands who have queued at the British Museum. Or perhaps you have visited its usual home in Normandy. Or maybe, like me, you have made do with images online.

But however you have consumed this medieval masterpiece, it won’t have escaped your notice that it depicts mass human slaughter.

It shows swords being plunged into bodies and soldiers hacked to death. Severed limbs and heads abound, while homes of ordinary people are torched and women and children are forced to flee.

Horrifyingly enough, it’s a pretty good record of what actually happened. The Conquest was responsible for 100,000 deaths, many through deliberate starvation. Given that our population back then was about two million, this means it wiped out 5 per cent of us. Some even describe it as a genocide.

So how come we are determined to view this tapestry as something charming and friendly? The King, all buddy with President Macron, describes its loan to Britain as the best of our “entente amicale” and “a special symbol of trust”.

Well, forgive me, but I can think of few things less amicale than someone having his head hacked off, and more obvious symbols of trust than women and children being burned to death.

Which brings me to reparations. The Church of England appears ready to agree that it owes hundreds of millions. Likewise, the Royal family is being made to feel very guilty. As for the country as a whole, academics suggest that we owe nearly £20tn for our role in the slave trade (our part in it ended 200 years ago, and we then fought against it) and £65tn to India.

Well, alright, but in that case, what about reparations for the Norman Conquest? I last studied 1066 and all that at school years ago, so I had to remind myself of some of the details. But it was pretty ugly.

And where did these Normans come from? France of course. The Normans set off for England, presumably urging each other on with an “Allez’y!” or two, from the mouth of the River Somme. For all intents and purposes, this was a bunch of Frenchmen slaughtering a bunch of English folk, and subjugating anyone left.

It’s a clear-cut case. So, how much should we demand? Well, it would need to be based on compound interest over 10 centuries, so I reckon around £50tn is a good starting point, and we can negotiate with Macron from there.

Now, the French might object to this, and point out that it was all a terribly long time ago and “passer l’éponge”. Fair enough.

But, then again, so was the transatlantic slave trade. If you ask me, what’s good for the goose must also be good for the gander.

So come on, Mr Macron, let’s be having you. If you want something really amicale, get your wallet out. And we might then start talking about forgiveness.